For several years now I have battled anxiety attacks. I lost my husband, Carver, after almost nine years of marriage. He had battled cancer for two years before it took him. I don't remember losing it because I was always afraid that if I started to cry I wouldn't stop. So I ran as fast and as hard as I could from the pain. I started dating a wonderful man within a VERY short time and we were married less than a year after Carver had died. James is awesome and we have now been married for almost 8 years.
Well 3 years ago, it finally caught up with me. No more running, no more hiding....it hit me like a freight train one week before the 5th anniversary of Carver's death. I thought I was having a heart attack and went in to be checked. It was indigestion they figured and sent me to my family doctor. ( Which I didn't have at the time!) Anyway the doc I saw was nice but a little to forthright with information like "it could be..." and listed several things the last of which was esophageal cancer. Just what someone like me needed to here given my history of losing my husband to cancer. Anyway, my mom is the one who figured out what was going on and so that same doc without talking with me or having me see a psych doc tried to put me on an antidepressant...which caused a panic attack....which landed me at the hospital seeing the PAC team which consists of a physician and a counselor aka a psych doc. He said you don't need an antidepressant...you need to deal with your grief but you do need something to help with your anxiety attacks. Well that started a painful path of healing. It has taken almost all of the last 3 years to deal with everything...especially since I am remarried and that adds another weird dimension to grieving my late husband! Talk about strange feelings. I am just truly blessed with a guy who is patient, kind and understanding along with being the most loving, giving person I have ever met. Well things did get better and I was finally headed for healing when we were hit again. First with my brother-in-law, Matthew, dying in a car accident in September of last year than we were hit again when a very close friend of ours died suddenly of a heart attack in March. I am reeling again. Although the one thing I am finding is that I don't want to run this time. I want to cry and get mad and yell and throw things.....although as of yet I haven't thrown anything. I just hate how it all feels. I hurt for me, for James and for K's widow M, for James' folks and family. M is such an awesome lady and I love her to pieces. I just hate seeing her go through this and I hate having to go through it. I love James' folks so much and I can see the pain it causes his mom. It hurts as bad as before when Carver died. Only then I think I was only thinking of myself and now I am seeing the hurt of others and that can be almost worse. All you can do is love them, hold them and watch as they walk through all the emotions. And cry with them.
Today was a great day and then for some reason tonight I just all of a sudden hit anxiety mode and then cry mode as I let the emotions that were swirling in me take over. I miss these people so much. I think of K calling me when I was in Spokane with my daughter and him telling me how much James missed me and that I needed to come home before he withered away without me. It made me laugh so hard and yet made me want to come home so badly. Then there were all the jokes and the times he teased me about my curly hair and how he had never seen anyone with such curly hair...of course he was bald on top, so I teased right back at him. I miss those little things that means so much in a relationship. He was just such a good friend.
With Matthew it is a little different. He was like a little brother to me and he was such a good friend to my son when James and I got together. I think about all the times he would come in and say "Hey sista, How's it going?" I loved being his sister. I miss him and his quirky sense of humor but also his honor and how much he cared about people even though he tried to play the tough guy. He was such a sweetheart and I think the thing I loved the most was that he was his own person. He didn't necessarily have to please anyone except himself, but he had respect for his family...especially his mom and dad. He just loved his family and that was Matt.
Anyway tonight has just been kind of a sad, bummer, anxiety, yuck kind of night. The feelings that a person goes through when having a panic attack are nuts. I hate the way I feel when it happens, but if I let it out and talk about it then I can get past it and feel better. That is why I am so blessed with my man. He listens and then when I am done and not so crazy he will tease me into a watery smile with his silliness. I love him so much. I can't even begin to tell you what he means to me. I am so glad God allowed him to be a part of my life.
If you've ever had feelings like this I'd love to hear from you. I hope God blesses you and heals you as He is healing me.
Love you all!!
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